#Outsourcing Bee

[sevenofninehouseofmusiker]

I want specific rooms for specific functions and I want to easily be able to differentiate between them. Is this personal preference or a coping mechanism for the executive dysfunction? I will decide in my dedicated room for focusing on problems (aka an office. with four walls and a door. also a desk and probably a bookshelf with too many things piled on them).

I hate the “open floor plan” that everyone is obsessed with in houses now. I want nooks and crannies and bizarre floor plans. I don’t need to be able to see what someone is doing on the other side of the house. I want places to hide and lurk and dwell in the shadows. I am the beast who awaits in the labyrinth

[ohnoitstbskyen]

Beauty in Splash Art 3

League of Legends splash art is, on the face of it, perhaps an odd place to go looking for beauty. These are JPGs whose first and primary function is to hawk video game cosmetics for a free-to-play game, it's not exactly the sort of thing you expect artists to particularly flex their creativity for.

And true enough, a lot of splash art is fairly rote. Here's a character, wow look at their cool pose, don't you want to spend dollars to own this, and so on.

But sometimes, one of the artists working at Riot, or at their outsourcing studios, seems to get a bee in their bonnet, or maybe they just get excited about an opportunity to practise craft, and you get splash art that tries to do something more than simply sell the product, or artwork which displays a real flex of technical skill, often in ways which are functionally invisible at any of the common resolutions that the art will ever be displayed at.

There is genuine reward to be found in those pieces, in zooming in close and marveling at the level of effort spent. So let's spend about an hour doing that!

Splash arts covered:

Odyssey Sona - by Kelly Aleshire

Victorious Sejuani - by Francis Tneh

Aurora - by Jennifer Wuestling

Redeemed Star Guardian Xayah and Rakan - by Ina Wong

Empyrean Vex - by Horace "Hozure" Hsu

Winterblessed Diana - by Bo "chenbowow" Chen

Porcelain Irelia - by Alsie Lau

Toy Terror Cho'gath - by Fortune "Fortuneee" K

[novafire-is-thinking]

“We want to be on your side.”

This scene is meant to be funny, but I see something more that provides insight into Prowl’s character.

The Constructicons Know

There are two things that stand out to me: Hook’s choice of words, and the nature of Prowl’s reaction.

Seeing as “your side” can easily be misunderstood as referring to the Autobot side, Hook could have said something more obvious, like, “Hey. We want to hang with you, Prowl.”

But Hook didn’t do that. He chose the phrase, “We want to be on your side.”

Why?

Well, Hook and the rest of the Constructicons were inside Prowl’s head as much as he was in theirs. They didn’t just know his thoughts. They had access to Prowl’s deepest desires.

And what was it that Prowl said to Arcee in Issue #1?

“I learned that nobody is on my side.”

Yes, Prowl wants peace. He wants order.

But just as much, he wants to know that someone will have his back—that there will be someone competent to fall back on when the world is going up in flames.

In spite of all his scheming and pushing people away, Prowl desperately wants to know that there is someone he can trust to do what needs to be done to work toward his ideal: Lasting peace.

When the Constructicons were in his head, they saw that. These five “vile” Decepticons understood Prowl better than any Autobot ever did.

And that scares the hell out of Prowl.

How NOT to accept a compliment

He knows the implications of what the Constructicons are saying. They’re basically telling him that they want what he wants. They’re also telling him, “We’ve seen what others consider to be the worst of you, and we think you’re awesome—not in spite of it, but BECAUSE of it.”

These Decepticons want to help him bring about his ideal, and this goes against all the preconceived ideas Prowl has about Decepticons.

But notice how Prowl stops himself from telling them that their admiration is crazy. It’s obvious that the Constructicons are more likely to listen to Prowl than anyone else, so why tell ‘Bee to answer for him?

Personally, I think he’s torn between agreeing with the Constructicons and telling them to get lost. Prowl wholeheartedly believes the way he thinks is great, but if he tells that to them in this moment, that would mean he’s allowing them into his life in some way, which he doesn’t want.

However, there’s a part of him that can’t tell the Constructicons their admiration is crazy, because this is all he’s ever wanted—to know that someone sees things his way and is willing to go along with his methods.

So, while he’s trying to sort out all the conflicting information and feelings, Prowl outsources the question to someone who does think his way of doing things can be…problematic at times. This way, he’s not technically saying no to something he’s always wanted, and he’s avoiding encouraging the Constructicons.

It’s the only way he knows how to override his internal conflict.

[vaspider]

Hey! I’m wondering if I could outsource something to your followers because they know your NerdyKeppie products and I have decision paralysis.

I like my aprons enough (THEY HAVE POCKETS) I decided to get my niece one for Chanukkah, since she loves to bake. I’m torn between Bees Bees Bees (in which case she and I would match), the Progress Pride stencil flowers (in which case we’d nearly match—I have the classic Pride flag stencil flower), and asking if the Painted Floral Pride is 1. coming back 2. available as an apron.

If you’re able and willing, could you please direct people to give me their advice? Clock’s ticking for my small business Chanukkah gifts and I’m sitting here spinning in circles.

Painted Floral Pride exists as an on-request print and on things that it's already on, and you can always ask to have an existing print put on a compatible item (so, like, 'painted floral' can't become a patch, essentially).

But yes, please, y'all, advise! :)

[yeahspider]

whoa (mind in awe)🕸️

Ve’s note - hyunjin x f.vampire au . sfw but there are mentions of blood and biting because yk vampire . honestly this fluff with a supernatural twist. sorry for being inactive for so long school is draining but I'm back and taking requests for hard and soft thoughts/ headcanons/ prompts all that good stuff. not proofread ofc. might do a part 2 but only if it’s requested :) enjoy my bees ! <3

"I'm still not understanding why you have to feed from other people when I'm right here." hyunjin stated with his signature pout as you came home a little late from a feed. You and Hyunjin had been dating for a while, and you never hid who you were from him. You were soulmates, after all, bound to be together. After 450 years on this earth by yourself, you were ecstatic to find your mate in the form of the handsome painter who was in love with you at first sight.

He walked up to you and draped his arms around your body. as you took off your coat. Seeking comfort in the warmth of his mate. Hyunjin never flinched at the sight of you after a feed. In fact, he took it in stride. His only issue was that you fed on other people instead of him. Deep down, he was jealous; what was so different about him that his partner had to outsource to keep herself fed. You always assured him he wasn't the issue, but he couldn't stop his inner securities from taking over sometimes.

"I've already told you thousands of times why hyune. It's not safe. I could hurt you." You said as you took a deep sigh and breathed in his scent. Oranges and spring water. You welcomed his scent after being around other people and their smells all day.

Your statement caused a frown on his face, and you immediately wanted to wipe it off. You hated being the reason why he experienced any negative emotions. He grabbed your hand and led you to the bed, motioning you to sit down. Hyunjin didn't say anything for a while as he removed your heels from your feet. Once he had successfully removed your shoes, he rubbed your legs, easing any tension you had in your body from the day. You looked down from where he knelt at your feet, his beautiful eyes simultaneously speaking so many words.

'You could never hurt me, my love. Never in a million years." Maybe it was his hands on your body, the warmth radiating from his veins, warming your insides, or the sincerity that bled from his words. He indeed believed what he said. Hyunjin believed in you. In a way that no one ever has.

"Okay." you said simply as you connected your hands with his. The smile on his face was enough to make your dead heart start pumping again. If he believed in you, then you could believe in you.

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL - Bunch of Stuff Coming in August

July 2023 Wk 5

Being a highly subjective assessment of one tiny corner of the interwebs. Organized by which ones (in each category) I’m enjoying most.

Ongoing Series - Thai

Laws of Attraction (Sat iQIYI) 2-3 of 8 - Oh good, we now know that Thailand has the same statutory rape laws as the US. Dub con is as dub con does. MEANWHILE Oh my God I love evil lawyer cutie so much. Him and his beautiful weaponized smile, maybe my new favorite character. I like the way this director is playing with noir mystery tropes, settings, and archetypes too - it’s feeling very 60s pulp, I’m getting gay Travis McGee vibes. Grandma knowing that her grandson likes boys is so sweet. I have to be completely frank here, this is what I wanted from both Manner of Death and KP. I truly love this show

Hidden Agenda that isn’t hidden (Sun GMMTV YouTube) ep 3 of 10 - It’s a very Cyrano de Bergerac kind of narrative... If Cyrano fell in love with Christian instead of Roxanne. Mock date was fun. 

Low Frequency (Sat iQIYI) ep 4 of 8 - Into the lion’s den. Investigation begins. Why isn’t the ghost acting lookout? Who are these random side characters? I’m confused. Half way through kiss is right on schedule tho. 

Wedding Plan (Weds YT & iQIYI) ep 2 of 7 - The kiss was nice, but it’d be nicer if Nuea had punched Lom. Manipulative arse. A trash watch is happening!

Be Mine Super Star (Mon Viki) ep 4 of 12 - Meh. 

Dinosaur Love (Sun iQIYI) ep 5 of 8 eps - The hazing has begun + secret relationship and it’s kinda like a v soft SOTUS. Dino is getting a bit too controlling and obsessive for me so it slid down the ranks. I much prefer La Cusine’s version of this dynamic. The friends protecting Dino’s interests were funny tho - boy is so obsessed he outsources his stalking. 

Be My Favorite (Fri YouTube) ep 10 of 12 - Max is BEST BOY. I hate Kawi. Tra la la. Trash watch here.

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

Jun & Jun (Korea Thurs Viki) 2 of 8 - Our ex idol is a total FLIRT. Nice to see an uke with agency. I mean baby girl is a newbie worker bee… but still flirty, good for you, sweetie. I see your little lip bite and so does your soon to be husband. Speaking of, I love Choi Jun’s style of seme aggression: a little sleezy + a bit too handsy + ultra clever with his words. Plus tie tug!!! Also threatening to take off your TAILORED suit so baby wears your shirt and smells like you? HOT. Boy you sped right past American style and into Italian - that’s real Corinthian leather, that is. 

Stay By My Side (Taiwan Fri Gaga) 5 of 10 eps - Mid series kiss right on schedule. Thank you for never upsetting me, Taiwan. Omg. Such boyfriends. Only Taiwan gets this sappy. I have to say, I watch this show after Tokyo on purpose. (I need the pallet cleanser.) Still, I’m scared that the perception will be that Bu Xia is using Jiang Chi, not in love with him, when the truth about ghosts comes out. Why doesn’t BX’s useless sister do something for her disaster brother? I guess JC likes a needy boy? Oh no, the kiss confusion. Lip touch but rejection (?). Nooooo. I suppose they have to draw this out for 10 eps. Gah, they’re so cute. But BX is a bit dim, isn’t he? Poor thing. 

Minato's Laundromat Season 2 AKA Minato Shouji Coin Laundry Season 2 (Japan Thu Gaga) 4 of 12 eps - Shin is such a worrywart, over protective, over the top boyfriend. I guess we saw a little bit of give from Minato? More than usual, baby steps. This is Japan after all.

Tokyo in April is... AKA Shigatsu no Tokyo wa (Japan Fri Gaga) ep 7 of 8 - Japan’s favorite trope = the running of the gays. Kazama knows everything now. Ep ends on one of my few triggers. SKIP! Japan you better NOT go there.

Vian the series (Vietnam YouTube ) ep 11-12fin - terrible ending, he turned back into a cat and the whole thing was pointless. I am very annoyed. 4/10 FATALLY FLAWED 

It’s airing but ...

Stay With Me ... NO I WILL NOT! And you can’t make me.

In case you missed it

Stay (Pinoy YouTube) finished its run at 7 eps. It’s mostly English & set in LA (shudder) so I did not bother. I say little to no chatter about this (that’s normal with the Pinoy stuff tho). Did anyone watch and enjoy? 

Next Week Looks Like This:

Coming August 2023

8/1 Stay Still (Hong Kong Tues YouTube) 5 eps - Yes we have had BL from Hong Kong before, but that was... before... who knows what it’ll be like now. Hayden, moves into a new apartment and starts a complicated relationship with his neighbor’s grandson, Damien, after an unexpected kiss. Meanwhile: Archie rekindles a romance with his high school sweetheart, Kelvin, who is now married.

8/11 Love Class Season 2 (Korea Fri Viki) 10 eps - Hyun, Minwoo and Joo-Hyuk are looking forward to their freshman year at college. But trials and tribulations of love that await them outside the classroom: from learning about maturity to being unable to forget the scars of past lovers. (All new cast from season 1.) 

8/12 My Personal Weatherman AKA Taikan Yoho (Japan Sat ????) 8 eps - hum. 

8/19 Love in Translation (Thai Sat One31) ? eps - Two strangers start working in a cafe together.

8/20 My Universe series begins (Thai Sun iQIYI) 24 episodes - This is sampler pack BL, 12 pairs, each pair gets 2 episodes, not entirely sure on the order they’ll drop in. Known couples include EarthBank from Destiny Seeker and KaownahTurbo from Love Stage!!!, mostly fresh faces otherwise. Jane to direct several. 

8/22 Kisseki: Dear to Me formerly known as Miracle (Taiwan Tues ????) 13 eps - From screenwriter Lin Pei Yu (We Best Love, H3: Trapped) features a student doctor forced to take care of a gangster. I love the premise and like the writer, I’m thinking Viki or Gaga will get this one.  

8/24 Man Suang (Thailand movie domestic cinemas) - historical drama about Thai burlesque with KP’s MileApo. Tong is in this one too? 

8/? Sing My Crush previously Follow The Wind (Korea ????) 8 eps - supposed to have released in the first half of 2022 this is a adaption of Myung’s webtoon, from the director of My Sweet Dear, and the Love Tractor production house, looks like Korea does About Youth.

8/? Why R U? (Korean remake)  is supposed to be out this month, filming started in sept 22. I find everything about this hilarious. I mean if Korea remakes it, we lose all the sexy and then... would we have a story at all? No we would not. Not even for six short eps. It’d be like one of those mesh shopping bags. 

We can probably expect a new BL from GMMTV too, to slot into BMF’s spot mid month. 

2023 forthcoming BL master post (see comments, some are inaccurate, NOT KEPT UPDATED)

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

I do love a hyung romance, and this aggressive ghost-ish thing is working for me. (Low Frequency) 

Hidden Agenda + My Ride. 

So coy

I agree with @heretherebedork​ that these two make a great side couple but I am utterly in love with...

HER. (All Laws of Attraction.) 

(Last week)

[goblins-riddles-or-frocks]

Top 5 characters you want to remove from tgt, kos, row

I wouldn’t really want to erase any of the characters! I’m usually more annoyed by execution rather than any particular character’s existence but sure let’s see

1. Elizaveta

She was really funny but wildly unnecessary. The Darkling coming back via random bee saint… we didn’t need that. There are so many other ways he could come back! Though like preferably he’d just stay dead lol. I also just found her fairly one dimensional. The gulf between what we’ve heard of Sankta Lizabeta and Elizaveta’s reality could be really interesting but Bardugo does nothing with it

2. Juris

Juris was decently fun on paper but he also contributed nothing that I liked. The dragon plotline pisses me off lmao. Both for the random introduction of dragons but also I was just really mad about Zoya getting that kind of level up. I really like her as a character that doesn’t have an extraordinary leg up, which plays off Nikolai not having any magic at all really well. So Juris fascinating that annoyed me!

3. Nina (in KoS)

I like Nina! Her plotline bored me to tears. I think the story itself was okay. But it probably should’ve been its own novella. It just didn’t feel like it was relevant to anything happening! I’m not a reader who ever skips anything, because I assume scenes are laid out in a way for a reason! But lol at some point I just started skipping her scenes, and then after finishing the book I went back to read them all straight through. I’d accept her POV in RoW because she was more important there, but ehhh honestly we probs could’ve just had the plot carry on without a direct glimpse into her perspective, and again she could just have a novella that just lays everything out from her end.

4. …. Grigori… I guess?

I don’t hate him, his body horror schtick was fun. But eh the Saints were superfluous and annoying anyway. They didn’t really have any interesting or in depth relationships with each other (Which seems unlikely! Given their ages!) and they broke what little sense the magic system made. So he can go too.

5. The Crows (in the duology)

They felt unnecessary and made everything feel like weird crossover fanfic. I don’t think these characters would have reason to interact/I’d rather see Bardugo try harder to make the KoS protagonists act like they’re adults in charge of an actual fucking government as opposed to outsourcing to a bunch of teenaged thieves! You can do better than this, ma’am. Worldbuilding something oh my god.

I guess there aren’t any characters I’d remove from the trilogy 😅

Ask me my top five anything!

[ramblings-from-the-ether]

*barges in once again* Aight, remember Feng Shui?

Basically, one of Howie's Worker Bees goes missing into a portal to the Netherworld, and Howie himself has to go & find him, encountering various factions & individuals along the way.

The EE world is a sort of anomalous "fifth juncture", barely connected to the rest of time & boasting it's own kind of magic. This is kept up by the Painted Shield, a multinational order of magic knights who use Magitek to keep everything else out (also because using pure EE magic anywhere besides it's world of origin produces results that are volatile at best).

Howie will not stop until he can locate Benjamin & bring him home. It does not matter if he has to fight through sorcerers from the mists of Chinese history, demonic cyborgs from a dystopian future, or cyborg gorillas. He will find his Bee.

1) Sounds like a heck of a Jackie Chan-esque Kung Fu movie.

Secondly, the Painted Shield does fit naming conventions (in Taiga at least). We can imagine them being modeled after medieval knights from Monty Python and the Holy Grail specifically.

Next. In the context of making a plot, we can imagine a conflict in the organisation on whether they should send a team to rescue Howie before he alerts the other junctures to the EE world's presence.

{The ghost in charge of finding new paragraph starters has been found to be lacking, and has been sacked} We can imagine Howie not unable to fight his way through practically the rest of time with limited information. Who needs dynamite when you have the personification of the fury of the working class?

{The ghost in charge of replacing the previous ghost is nowhere to be found and has therefore been sacked} Another idea for the plot is that the protagonist is part of the Painted Shields who's plot-based struggles revolve mainly running across the tightrope that is the Painted Shield's many, many concerns regarding exposure risk and what to do with any extra-dimentional intruders. And also finding Howie via the trail of destruction left behind.

{Due to a lack of suitable replacements, the ghost in charge of sacking the ghost who sacked the original ghostwriter has been sacked} Howie could even be a mid plot 'antagonist' whose joining of the protagonist's side via explaining each other's positions paves the way for a greater plot point of fighting whatever kungfu sect leader has kidnapped Benjamin the Worker Bee.

And finally, I can imagine the Painted Shields organisation being in competition with other magical authorities such as the Fleecities and similar institutions in the other EE countries. There will also be the question of if the Painted Shields brings in Howie's other worker bees since they should know their boss.

But if we are to discuss all this in context of making a movie, then we must consider the below:

{The below content has been removed following the discovery of unauthorised outsourcing of writing work to undisclosed freelancers in breach of the work contract between the Sweet Jazz City Museum Ghosts' Union (SJCMGU), Ghostwriters Inc, and Sdn-Bhd Sdn Bhd. We apologise for the interruption of entertainment services, and we thank you for your patience.}

[hayffiebird]

Taste of Strawberries, chap. 40 (part two)

Author’s note: TRIGGER WARNING for mentions of eating disorder, suicidal ideations, animal cruelty and sexual assault.

Forgive me for any typos. I am really tired!

Hayffie Post-Mockingjay Multi-chapter, Rated M

Four years have passed since the end of the war when Effie returns in to Haymitch’s life once again. An old friendship is renewed. Will it lead to something more?

Meanwhile Panem has entered a new era. The rebellion’s over, the borders are open but in the shadows, anger and mistrust are smoldering. Something that will affect Haymitch and Effie’s life in a way they never saw coming.

Chapter 40

The writing on the wall (part two)

“When we graduated from the Academy,” Annabel continued her story, “Effie was dead-set on becoming a licensed architect. For years, that’s all she ever talked about. But her father contacted my father. Asked if he could pull a few strings. Recommend his daughter for an escort position. An outline district would be absolutely fine. And then they gave her the good news like a sort of … early birthday present. One she could not return without breaking their hearts.

I had no idea what I wanted. Most of the time I just longed back to our Academy days. Those years remain some of the happiest of my life. Before I met June. It was Effie and I against the world. I even got smitten for the first time. A girl in our year with wild, curly, jet black hair. And the school, while strict, was also my ticket out of Cordelia’s little kingdom, or so I thought.

All the Snow children were homeschooled. Like most of the prominent ultra-rich families. Especially the daughters, destined for marriage rather than higher studies. But my father was adamant. His girls wouldn’t sit and wait until someone proposed. We would get a proper, thorough tuition first and embark on a fine career of some sort. So, first the Academy – then the University, just like he once did.

Pallas and Apollo’s Academy were boarding schools back then. ‘Give them to us young and they are ours forever’ was the motto. So even though I’d still see Cordelia during each Games, I’d only ever leave the school’s stone walls for the occasional holiday. With me tucked away, I thought, some other girl would take my place and I’d fade from Cordelia’s memory.

After graduation I moved back home again. All of us children were expected to stay at the Flickermansion until we were properly married off.

Father was present and he wasn’t. He outsourced everything. Nannies to dress us, chefs to feed us, housekeepers to clean up our mess. I think I joined The Hypnotic Brass Ensemble – father’s house band, playing the trumpet because then at least I’d see him and not through a television screen.

He wasn’t a bad father. He loved us deeply. He just didn’t really have time to have five daughters. Especially after mother died. I believe he always tried to do what was best for us. But how can you really know what that is when you hardly ever see each other? Especially in a society that teaches you to push down every bad feeling that arises.

I had been home for just a couple of weeks when father summoned me to his office. Said he had some great news. I was betrothed.

‘Clearly you’ve made a good impression’, he said. ‘Cordelia asked for you herself. Her parents have blessed it. A fall wedding. How would you like that?”

I always knew I’d be married off eventually. To the daughter of a coal mining tycoon or maybe an award-winning up-and-coming director like Cressida. A match viewed as mutually beneficial for both families. But unlike many parents in the Capitol my father, our father, promised the five of us that we’d all have a say in who we got engaged to. He’d never sentence us to a forced marriage.

But in these matters he had no choice. And we both knew it. You didn’t say no to Snow.

‘This is the best thing that could’ve happened, Bee,” he said. ‘We couldn’t have hoped for a better match. The merging of the families … We’ll be related to the most powerful man in Panem.’

What he didn’t say, not in so many words, were the dangers of declining such a generous offer. If I so much as hesitated it would be questions. My wavering could set a ball rolling that we had no means to control.

After that, I was to spend all my Saturdays with Cordelia. At the mansion, closely chaperoned of course. All while the Snows and the Flickermans made arrangements for our three day wedding.”

She wet her lips, a vacant look in her eyes much like Effie when she shared a painful memory.

“I could never quite tell if she really was gay like me or just wanted something soft and submissive to use at her own fancy. Like the animals. Either way, I knew that once we were married she could beat me and enjoy me as she pleased and there was nothing I could do about it. Not without risking my family.

I didn’t know it then but looking back, I was clinically depressed by that point. Save those mandatory Saturdays I isolated myself from everyone, even Effie. Kept to the Flickermansion as much as possible. I’d counted calories on and off for years but it wasn’t until my engagement that the habit really escalated. Triggered an addition of sorts. I could control little else in my life but I could control what I ate. Or didn’t ate.

Weight loss is glorified in the Capitol. Praised no matter how you achieved it. People want to know your secret. Calls you morphling chic. But for me, it was never really about being thinner or looking a certain way. I doubt it ever really is, at the core if you have this disease.

First I thought I had control over it. This ‘weight journey’ of mine in lack of a better word. But once I reached my goal I started negotiate and bargain the finish line, pushed it further and further ahead. Because it was never really about the weight.

It was a system I built up, to protect myself from anxiety. To manage my feelings. It would just be me and anorexia sitting in a room and then it wouldn’t matter that I was alone and unhappy, facing a future I dreaded.

I had a hard time showing up for meals. To eat in front of people in general. I felt like everyone was watching me but if I missed too many dinners my sisters would ask questions.

So it became this destructive cycle of starving myself and then binge-eat as a response which triggered panic attacks so strong I went and drank Evermore drops to make myself vomit, only to tumble into a pit of self-loathing for wasting good food and so I was right back to not eating again.

And then there were still my Saturdays with Cordelia. For someone who apparently ‘asked for me herself’ she couldn’t care less about the wedding plans being made over our heads. We never really talked about it, but she spent more and more time with the animals and during the last weeks of her life she practically lived in the Asphodel Meadow.

It was really just another room, with the same twenty-foot-high walls but it had a force field, mimicking an open green plain, distant mountains and the wide blue sky.

Cordelia owned only one animal bigger than herself. A pony. I called her Boo for short and she was the fairest, mildest, most sweet-muzzled creature you ever saw. A cream colored, freckled Connemara who loved sugar. I always made sure to bring a few cubes in my dress pocket in the hopes that I might slip her some.

The Asphodel Meadow was an equestrian centre laid out with horse jumping obstacles and this is where she lived. Boo. I never got to ride her myself but I braided her mane, groomed her, cleaned her hooves. Minor things that bored Cordelia.

She was a fine rider. Had been on horseback since she was a toddler. She was supposed to always wear a helmet and never ride bareback but she hardly ever followed those rules.

One morning when I got there she was in a foul mood. I never did learn why but she took Boo out before she was saddled and ready. Didn’t care what anyone else had to say. Just grabbed the whip and swung herself onto the horse’s back.

I’d seen her hurt Boo before but never like that. She was livid. The people who worked the stable tried to rein her in but Cordelia ignored their every attempt. Furious, her and Boo soared over the jumping obstacles and either you got out of her way or you got run down.

Then something happened with the force field. To this day I don’t know what it was. If somewhere a fuse had blown or there was a power cut or someone simply turned it off but there was a sharp zapping sound and in an instant the Mind Flight was gone. Nothing left but the real ceiling, the high walls with no doors unlocked but the ones leading you back into the depths of the mansion.

The reaction from Cordelia was instantaneous. She shrieked with fury and slammed the whip down, harder and harder. Yelled at Boo to go faster. Punished her, I think, for everything wrong in her life. Whipped her bloody until I screamed at her to stop.

Finally crazed with pain and terror the horse bolted. The servants could not control her. Neither could Cordelia. She shouted at the mare but the animal was beyond reach. All the girl could do was drop the whip and clutch on to Boo’s mane. Grip her with her knees. She couldn’t even throw herself off at such sped without breaking bones, without being trampled.

Panicked, I watched it play out. Frozen like the first time she kissed me. And then Boo crashed into the vertical poles of a nearby obstacle. Cordelia flew forward and slammed into the ground, head-first.

The room was in an uproar. People running wild. Some for Boo, most of them for the young woman. All I did was stare at one of her boots, twitching with what little life still left in her. She’d broken her neck. By the time the doctor arrived she was already gone.

The next few days were a haze. I was in shock. Numb. Scared too. Scared over what might happen to my family. I know father called for an emergency meeting. A meeting we children had no part of, of course. It wasn’t hard to guess what the topic was. ‘What we will do if miss Cordelia’s death is blamed on Annabel’. As if any words or actions on our part would make the slightest difference if Snow decided to rain his fury down on us.

In the end, Cordelia’s fate was ruled a tragic accident. Capitol News made a glorious tribute about president Snow’s oldest daughter. ‘The free spirit and lover of animals. A fine rider heading toward a brilliant future when taken to young.’

I never forgot Snow’s face at the funeral. Hard-lined. Unsmiling. A white rose in his lapel. Very controlled and yet I couldn’t escape the feeling that on the inside he was dancing. Because a problem of his had been solved in an unexpected yet welcomed way. A bad leaf snipped off of an otherwise glorious rose.

And I lay awake at night wondering if I was much better. Wondered during those bleak, dark, sleepless hours if the real reason I did nothing when Cordelia died was because a part of me wanted her dead, wanted to be rid off her.

What kind of person was I for being more upset about Boo having to be put down than I was a dead girl. A girl probably feeling just as trapped and caged as I was, only more. If I could wave a wand and bring her back to life, would I? Would I really?

Not a week after the funeral, the citizens of the Capitol had already gotten on with their lives.

Not me.

I hadn’t seen Effie in ages. Hardly ever returned her calls. So when we finally did meet up at her place she noticed how much I’d changed physically, unlike my family who saw me every day. And I could pretend in front of my father and my sisters but not Effie. In the end, I told her everything.

About Cordelia. About my anxiety attacks. That I didn’t know how to eat normally anymore and that the only thing I could hope to achieve with my pathetic little existence was help continue Snow’s Games through my father’s name. All the things I never told a living soul. I could see how concerned she got. ‘I think we should talk to your father’, she said but I made her swear not to tell anyone. Not ever!

I already regretted opening up. Effie wanted to meet up again after that but I dodged her suggestions of when and where.

A week of this and my father took me aside again. Only this time, he came to me. For ten dreadful seconds I feared he’d announce another marriage candidate but that wasn’t it at all.

Effie Trinket had come to see him. Told him she was worried. Deeply worried. About me. That I seemed depressed. That I wasn’t eating.

I’ve never felt so betrayed. So deceived. I trusted her with my secrets and my darkness and she fed me to the wolves. The only real friend I thought I had in the Capitol.

So then our house doctor paid us a visit, I got my diagnosis and from that moment on everything changed.

Anorexia is a symptom of a larger problem but people thing the problem lies with the food. If only you start eating again you’ll be healthy and happy. So why aren’t you eating? Just eat!

So I started hiding my behavior – the sick ways in which I ate and it infected every ritual, every habit, surrounding food. Even with eyes on me, I hid parts of my meal in the napkin, smeared the gravy out across my plate, found ways to get my hands on Evermores and burned the bloody tissues in the open fireplace.

With each broken rule the grip on me grew tighter and tighter. My going to the dining hall was now mandatory. Breakfast, lunch and dinner, closely supervised by nurses employed by my father. And their obsessive-compulsive counting of calories only fed the existing problem, like petrol on a fire. I couldn’t use the bathroom without someone standing outside the door. They locked me in at night with guards at the door. Put bars on the windows so I couldn’t escape for a nocturnal run around the garden.

Ten days of this and I snapped. Completely. Called Effie. Screamed at her until my voice gave out. Told her I never wanted to see her again. That I’d never forgive her for doing this to me.

With Effie cut from my life, everything got even more unbearable. A month went by. Two. I was literally a prisoner at my father’s mansion. Like Cordelia. I don’t think my family trusted me outside those walls and they were right. There must have been questions about my empty chair in the house band but I guess father came up with an acceptable excuse. A secret passion project perhaps.

Finally, the hospital had to get involved. I was literally wasting away before my family’s eyes. Way beyond what even the Capitol considered attractive and still losing pound after pound.

This was the last resort. Executed in the biggest of secrecy. Father wanted as little bad publicity about me as possible after what happened with Cordelia. To protect me in his own way. I didn’t put up a fight. Was nothing I could do. Either I checked myself in to their psych ward voluntarily or I’d be committed against my will just the same.

My father never called. Never visited. Neither did my sisters. Looking back I believe they trusted that I was in good hands. That interfering would only hinder my progress. But at the time I felt nothing but utter and complete abandonment. That the outside world had finally forgotten me and wasn’t that what I always wanted?

Days passed. Weeks. Medicines. Therapy. Enteral nutrition pumped into my body. We were eight patients at my ward. Eight pale little ghosts floating around. Nurses and the occasional doctor filled the halls at all time. I didn’t care what they did to me. Didn’t care about anything anymore. Well, not quite. I was waiting. For my first day pass. One day outside those walls. Just an hour would do. So I could slip some garden rocks into my coat pockets and walk straight out into the River Theseus.

So outwardly, I co-operated. Did what they asked. Told them what they wanted to hear. But inside, I’d withdrawn so far into my numb little shell I might as well already be dead. The only thing that got me going during those first few weeks was visualizing the quiet, deep river. Over and over again.

But then, there came a letter. First and only time I ever got one at the ward. And I didn’t have to turn it over to know who sent it. I’d recognize that careful handwriting anywhere. The nurse who first brought it to me, stood with me as I read. Hours after I’d mustered up enough courage to do so.

Sweet Effie. It was as if all of my dark thoughts had somehow lit a beacon. A beacon so large she was able to see the smoke rising into the sky all the way from her apartment.

The nurses got a call through to her for me and an hour later she arrived in the little room for family and friends.

One look at her was all it took. Even after everything I said during that awful phone call months ago, her blue eyes held nothing but love and I completely fell apart. Her arms encircled me and I cried. More than cried. Wailed. Like a child sitting at the bottom of a well with no way to get up.

She helped me to the couch so my knees wouldn’t give out. Tears streamed down my face. I couldn’t even get any words out. Words of forgiveness, most of all. But I didn’t have to. She understood anyway. And she just held me. Caressed my back, my hair with quiet soothing sounds. Like I were a baby in her arms. She stayed with me for as long as she was allowed to. When they came to take me away and I started trembling she squeezed my hands and said, ‘Tomorrow.’

A fresh wave of pain filled Annabel’s eyes, but not for the reason Haymitch imagined.

“I didn’t know it then,” she said, “but she was already pregnant by that point. I was still on the inside when she gave birth to her boy, months later. We’ve never really talked about it since but I wonder sometimes. If I hadn’t ended our friendship when I did, right in the middle of her tender first time as escort in the Games … If I never said the things I did, would she have come to me instead of going to that party.”

“Not your fault,” said Haymitch. “Effie would never blame you. You want a culprit, that’s Kane.” And, with a heat behind it that made the hairs on his arms stand: “Sexual assault. That’s what it was. Doesn’t matter if he didn’t literally force himself onto her, it’s still fucking rape!”

He’d given it a lot of thought ever since Effie first told him and the more he did, the more he felt he wouldn’t mind jamming his knife into the man a couple of times. If they ever saw each other face to face.

Lucky for him he’s rotting in jail.

“I haven’t been there for Effie the way I should,” Annabel said, with a pain behind the words that he knew all too well. “It’s one of my deepest regrets. That I didn’t pay better attention. Listened to the things she wasn’t saying. The way you do. The way she did with me. I wish I’d spent more time with her. Especially after the war and my father’s trial. Instead I fled to District 11 every chance I got, first as a volunteer worker and then living here part-time.”

She drew a deep breath.

“But I am here now. She saved my life. She knew I didn’t want help. Knew I’d hate her for interfering . Knew I had the means to turn the Capitol against her if I wanted to. And she was fine with that. Fine with all of it. Because I would be alive to do it … Takes a pretty remarkable person,” she said, “to make a sacrifice like that.”

Haymitch nodded.

“Yeah,” he murmured. “Yeah.”

“You’ve been through hell,” Annabel said. ”I know that. Worse than any of us can possibly imagine. I just told you all this because I want you to know I understand. What it’s like when the people you love most goes behind your back. Tries to make you do something you don’t want to do. She did the same to me.

But it wasn’t betrayal. It was love. She carried me on her back when I couldn’t go any further. Helped me get the help I needed to help myself.

And now she does the same to you. Carries you on her back. Carries Amy and Ian too. And she's strong, without a doubt. Stronger than most. But she's not made out of titanium. She won’t manage it forever. No one can.

Now, I’m not telling you to check yourself into a rehab facility. Maybe you can’t. And if you can’t you can’t. But if you want to do something for me, then I beg of you from the bottom of my heart: Don’t break her just because you cannot live without her.”

Author's note: Special thank you to my sweet, dear friend Sara for sharing her experiences of eating disorders with me to help with this chapter. She and Annabel are not the same person and they don’t share the same backstory but the things I got right about anorexia is 100 % thanks to Sara!

Also, as you might have noticed I've made a slight change in past chapters concerning Haymitch sleeping with other Capitol women when drunk.

In my defence, I included that headcanon in 2015 so it's been a minute but lately I've thought to myself: "Oh come on! Effie would NEVER let Haymitch do that when he's drunk and isn't thinking straight! Especially after what happened between her and Kane."

So I went and changed it soo that poor/lucky Haymitch only got to sleep with two women he really cared about.

[alcoholfreenayeon]

there are four hints in there

mya im sure figured two..

the other two

you have to outsource lmao

☁️

Ok…4 hints…I’ll ask Mya about the 2 you think she knows…

And I’ll give you one of my guesses, are you Bee?

[plentyquinces]

GOD'S QUESTIONS TO JOB AND HOW WE NEED A LION KING 2 "WE ARE ONE" MOMENT IN SEASON 3

Has anybody talked about the fact that when god talks to Job and lists all these things Job hasn't done and doesn't understand as means of dismissing his questions, she's kind of listing things we've seen Crowley do?

"do you know how I created the earth?"

Of course he does. Even if he wasn't involved in the planning stages of earth, he was there when she created it (IF she created it at all and didn't just let angels do it as she did with the other planets and stars)

"where were you when i layed the foundations of the earth, Job?"

Propably watching. Or being briefed on it.

"were you there when all the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?"

Propably singing with the morning stars or shouting with the angels.

"do you know the rules of the heavens?"

Always did and still does. Heaven is like a bee hive, they never change their passwords, god is not talking to anybody, and they're just as bad as hell.

"Did you set the constellations in the sky?"

He quite literally did.

"Can you send lightning bolts and get them to report back to you?"

WE SAW HIM DO THAT THIS SEASON THIS CANNOT BE A COINCIDENCE!

"Did you give wings to peacocks, Job, or teach the ostrich to run?"

I mean...let's bend the question a bit and just say Crowley gave wings to goats.

AND you know who we witnessed going on and on about how great whales are? CROWLEY!

By asking these questions, god wants to silence Job. she doesn't grant him the right to have questions about how she does things when he can neither comprehend nor has witnessed her power and the beginnings of the world he inhabits. if she names understanding the power to create and bend the elements and being there for the creation of the universe as reqirements for questioning her actions then, if you held her to her word, that would mean that by her own standarts she was wrong for casting Crowley out of heaven. I mean sure, we all kind of already know that, my boy has done nothing wrong in his life but it all kind of drives home the point that by all means there SHOULD have been a suggestion box. the angels helped her create the universe, she seemed to have outsourced an awful lot of jobs that come with creating a universe and she took all the credit.

God is in the wrong. and I think both Crowley and Aziraphale need to understand this.

sure, Crowley kind of knows he's been treated unfairly and he internally wrestles with god but the extend to which his trust has been broken by being cast out has traumatized him and he needs to fully acknowledge the fact that he didn't just get an overly harsh punishment for a mistake he made, he didn't make any mistake at all. I need him to say it. I need to see that he believes it. Thinking that he made an unforgiveable mistake made him internalize the message that he must be evil. all the demons did. its why hell is the ways it is and demons look the way they look. they're still angels in every way but status and name. they're angels who've been told they're so bad that they deserve only to live in the basement and they do evil because they've been branded as such for a crime that shouldn't have been one.

Aziraphale needs to understand that God was wrong for casting Crowley out of heaven. Crowley wasn't wrong to question God. He needs to learn that demons aren't inherently anything (it really bothered me when he said "Even demons aren't that stupid" in S2), they're just fallen and being fallen is not directly linked to a moral failure on their part. It's why I think that he's too misguided to change heaven until he eventually realizes this. Aziraphale still holds heaven in high regard and he has defended and excused heavens actions because while he knows that the angels who run heaven are at times incompetent or corrupt, he still believes in god and that her plan and her decisions must be the epitome of good. he thinks the legitimacy of the dicataorship that is heaven is a question of competency ( a competency he thinks he can provide). Aziraphale needs to understand that there is no such thing as a good dictatorship. the system is broken and he needs to break it. there should neither be a heaven nor a hell. god isn't inherently good. People shouldn't go to heaven or hell for reacting to circumstances that they can't control. Wee Morag shouldn't be in hell for helping a friend trying to save them from starvation. But she might be. And I think S3 is gonna address this.

[bumblebeebranding]

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[juniperusashei]

Where’d You Go, Bernadette by Maria Semple - 5/5

It may be surprising that I like this novel so much. The Sally Rooney Colleen Hoover looking book cover doesn’t give it a favorable impression. Don’t judge a book by its cover… literally! But I probably would have if my favorite English teacher hadn’t read a passage to our class in high school (do you read this blog, Ms Palmer??) Since reading Where’d You Go, Bernadette years back, it’s been steadfastly one of my favorite novels, only better upon rereading. Between then and now, I’ve watched and enjoyed Richard Linklater’s film adaptation (he is one of my favorite directors!) but rereading reminded me just how much more of an edgy, personal experience this book is.

Firstly, Where’d You Go, Bernadette is one of the cleverest epistolary novels I’ve read. Collaged from emails between the titular neurotic architect and her outsourced personal assistant in India, DM’s, report cards, police reports, ship logs, and interviews, it could have been an overwhelming experience but was instead immaculately put together and flowed really well. There are moments where Bernadette’s daughter Bee interjects with prose explaining these in context, which is normally something that annoys me, but don’t worry, it is explained eventually within the diegesis of the book!

It is also one of the funniest, most nuanced discourses on mental illness. None of the characters are too bad or too good. My friend who I showed the movie to said he didn’t care about the problems of rich white ladies (do YOU read this blog, Aaron!?), but I think knowing that Maria Semple worked on the show Arrested Development contextualizes a lot of the class satire (which is a lot more prominent in the book, too!) Bernadette is a spurned architect who has spiraled into delusion after abandoning her craft, and her mentor sums up the thesis of this book: “People like you must create. If you don’t create, Bernadette, you will become a menace to society.” The parallels to Ayn Rand’s Fountainhead are obvious, but as an intentional rebuttal of individualistic hubris.